After last night, I could never be a politician.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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