Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Randomize
