I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
