we're chasing vodka with high fives
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
