i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
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This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
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Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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