We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
