you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
