I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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