Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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