he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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