dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
