I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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