i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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