just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
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There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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