Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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