I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I have surprise drugs for everyone
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
