I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
