The maid of honor just puked.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
