You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
BRING THE BAGELS
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
