I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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