Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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