i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
