My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
