So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
