Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
