I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
