So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
