My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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