I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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