I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
