ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
