Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
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So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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