just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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