i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
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