Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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