Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
