In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
