just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
