gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
