I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
