I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
My ATM looks so different sober.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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