I bet he comes in French.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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