sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
