I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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