I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
