Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
