I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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