Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
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The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
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Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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