are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
