the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
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Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
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She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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