Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
NoShamevember. You game?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
