someone threw a dead crab at me
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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