whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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