1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
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I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
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I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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