You're my little dorito
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm sobbing to NWA
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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