I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize