dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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